These days, I often feel like it's a crime to admit that you're unsatisfied with your body. People will respond with things like "you don't need to lose weight!" "you're beautiful just the way you are!" "you're not fat, I'M fat!", ect. And I almost feel shameful for feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. But the fact of the matter is that I am. Not to the point I used to be... but if I don't make changes and stick with them, I'm headed that way. The 80+ pounds that I once lost will all come piling back on before I know it. I know that's true because some of it already has. But what do I need? Support. I've already let Adam know that I'm clearing the house of junk food and cooking healthier meals. This means meal planning, which I suck at. And it also means cooking certain things for the week ahead of time. It's going to be a lot of work ignoring the temptation that comes my way at work. I have to smell grease, wonderful pizzas and buttery pretzels all day long. But until I feel like I am moving steadily on a healthier track, I can't keep allowing myself to "treat myself" to things when I know I'll go overboard. So if I happen to be at someones house and they have pizza? I'll allow myself a piece or two. But I will not order in one myself because I know I'll end up eating it for every meal until the leftovers are gone. Of course, I'll still have pizza... just homemade pita or whole wheat crust pizzas.
I know I'm beautiful. I know that each and every single one of us is beautiful in our own way. But humans are also a shallow species - so at least part of this is about looks. I wasn't lying before, I want to be healthier. When I said a few weeks ago that I want to change my lifestyle, to have more energy and be in shape, that is all absolutely true. But I also want to look good in dresses and shorts this summer. Maybe even a bikini. I also really just want to fit into the clothes that I have hanging in my closet that I can't currently wear - at least not comfortably. So I'm doing this for vanity as well as physical well being. But I am doing it and hopefully, roping Adam into it will help. If he can be there to tell me no when I ask if we should just order a pizza for dinner, perhaps it will be the help that I need to stay on track. I certainly hope so.